Courtship Principles vs.
Rules
By David Crank
Much has been written and taught in recent years
about the problems of modern dating and the alternatives of Christian courtship
or betrothal. Though this seems to be a very new and recent idea, its roots go
back much earlier. In the early 1970s, Bill Gothard was teaching principles of
dating that were forerunners of today’s courtship teachings.
Jonathan Lindvall, influenced by Gothard’s teachings,
began teaching what he called “courtship” as an alternative to dating (later
began teaching “betrothal” as a better/improved alternative). Bill Gothard also
adopted the term and further defined what it meant. By the early 1990s several
Christian teachers were spreading the word, particularly within the
homeschooling community. Then in 1997 Joshua Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating
Goodbye", popularized the concept of courtship to the larger Christian
community.
Over the last ten or so years, books on
courtship/betrothal have been written by Jeff Barth, Doug Wilson, Don Raunikar,
and others. Fictional novels encouraging courtship have been written by the
Castleberrys. Seminars and audio tapes have been offered by Lindvall, Reb
Bradley and others. Numerous magazine articles have been
published.
What do we find when comparing these
many and various teachings? There is substantial agreement on many points. All
point out the dangers and poor outcomes of modern dating. Many contribute useful
ideas, concepts and illustrations. Although agreeing in many areas, there remain
disagreements - some significant, many minor.
Why are there many differences? This is not an area where there is direct
Biblical instruction on how we should go about finding a wife or husband. Now
there are many useful principles that can be drawn from related Biblical
teachings (avoiding fornication, O.T. laws concerning marriage, etc.), there are
points of wisdom from Proverbs, and we have a few Biblical examples of
courtships God seemed to bless (i.e. Isaac & Rebekah, Ruth & Boaz). Yet
the examples have certain limitations, due to unique circumstances and the
uncertainty that these examples in all aspects pleased God. Some aspects may
have been cultural patterns of that time and place, which fell short of God’s
best. So it is no wonder that Christians will not entirely agree on these
matters.
It is easy to see that modern dating practices are
resulting in a great deal of fornication, emotional hurts, poor marriage choices
and divorce. Historically, a good case can be made that modern practices are
inherently foolish. Though practices differ from age to age and culture to
culture, ours are very different from most in their: 1) lack of concern with
protecting the virginity of daughters; 2) removing the parents from the marriage
decision; and 3) basing the marriage decision primarily on emotional love rather
than a wise and suitable choice.
However, we must remember that what is taught today as
courtship and/or betrothal are the ideas and creations of men. These men are
drawing upon Biblical principles, practices of the past, their own experiences,
and whatever wisdom they have from God. Men will make mistakes!
Rules vs. Principles
There are many Christian parents who know first hand the
shortcomings of dating and who are anxious to learn about a better way for their
children. We want step by step details, even guidebooks of all the dos and
don'ts of courtship/betrothal. As teachers strive to meet this need, they can
fall into the trap of believing it is really possible to provide such a detailed
guide - a guide that will address most every situation and problem that can
arise. We end up with detailed rules drawn from principles that were drawn from
still other principles. Good suggestions and wise advice for many circumstances
become cast in stone as rules for all situations. As teachers, we need to be
careful to remind our listeners and readers how much is just suggestions,
advice, and hopefully, good ideas. You should not come away from a courtship
teaching with the impression that you will be doing it all wrong unless you
follow this set of 37 rules!
There are just too many situations, too many variables!
Guiding principles work, long lists of rules do not. Though God gave the Jews
many detailed laws, He made no attempt to cover every contingency or answer
every question. Jesus, while teaching on many topics, often focused his hearers
on a few basic principles (loving God and your neighbor, etc.) and urged His
hearers to understand the spirit of the laws rather than mechanically following
the letter.
I believe it is a mistake to make long lists of rules of
what to do and not to do in this matter. There are many good ideas, advice and
practical examples that can be given, but these should not be taken as rules! A
focus on some general principles seems much more productive than many rules.
Principles offer the advantage of being adaptable to different circumstances.
They are more flexible for dealing with the unanticipated.
Consider just a
few of the different situations one may face:
- The young woman's father may be deceased, she may even
be an orphan. Or her father may be an unbeliever who refuses to play any role in
courtship. How will the parents' role in courtship be
fulfilled?
- The young man may be a missionary living
far home, thousands of miles away. He needs a wife with similar commitment from
his own culture but there are few if any that he has any direct contact with.
How can he participate in family activities with the girl's family or
effectively get to know them?
- The young woman is no
longer so young (i.e. 35) and living on her own far away from home. How does
this impact the parents' role?
- The other family
involved may not hold to exactly the same courtship process as you do. Perhaps
one set of parents only wants to be minimally involved. What do you
do?
- The two families have been friends and together
in church for years. The young couple have been friends for years. There may be
little need to "get to know one another" beyond a very few very serious
discussions. They may quickly be ready to proceed to
betrothal/engagement.
- The young man and woman may
have never even met each other. All they know is third hand information. Even
the parents may only have third hand information about each others’ family. Much
more time and a more gradual process may be needed than in situation #5 above.
It may be slow and a little awkward for the young man and woman to initially
become acquainted. It may be a while before either knows enough to commit to a
courtship.
General Principles
Wisdom
Our culture has exalted romantic love to
be above all. "Love" is often the sole reason given for marriage. All other
considerations are often brushed aside. With courtship, perhaps the overriding
principle is “wisdom.” What is the wise way to make marriage decisions and avoid
sin? Biblical wisdom includes: 1) Understanding human nature including the power
of attraction, the effects of infatuation, and the temptations of intimacy - and
thus seeing the risks in most dating; and 2) Understanding marriage in terms of
God's roles for husbands and wives and what things are most important in this
relationship. This includes seeing the need for maturity and preparedness,
seeing what things make marriage more difficult and the things that are really
important long term.
Simplicity
Courtship does not need to be a
highly complex process. The basics are really very simple. They grow directly
out of the roles in the parent child relationship. A father naturally (and
Biblically) should protect his daughter from: 1) those who might take advantage
of her; or 2) temptations to sin; or 3) from marriage before she (or the young
man) is prepared; or 4) from those who would bring her much grief in marriage.
Parents protect and advise children, particularly where they have little
experience or wisdom yet. Children respect and honor their parents, listen to
their advice and seek their approval for such an important decision. Marriage
requires a lifetime commitment on the part of the marrying couple, so the final
decision must be theirs. Courtship is simply parents applying wisdom to
help their child make a good marriage decision - and a child wisely listening to
parental advice in an area where he or she has little
experience.
Reasonableness
The courtship process should be
reasonable. Beware slavish devotion to a detailed rule of men (not of God) that
is to the detriment of the young people involved. If the rule or advice doesn't
fit in the given situation or creates unnecessary obstacles, discard it! For
example: You may hear varying advice concerning the proper length of either a
courtship or engagement. No set time frame fits every situation. If it is clear
that the couple has reached the point of making a fully informed decision and
are ready for marriage, does it serve a good purpose to make them wait longer?
Requiring further waiting when God has prepared them to go ahead may create more
temptations, more frustrations and strain your relationship with them. Don't
force your child's courtship into somebody else's mold. It may not be a good
fit!
As parents, don't be unfair or unreasonable with the young
couple. Give liberty as appropriate to the time, with prudence, considering all
factors. Don't create unnecessary hardships or frustrations by being too
concerned with temptation in situations where risks are low and both are on
their guard. Be prudent, but not ridiculous!
Fathers of daughters, be considerate of young men courting
your daughters. Don't expect or require commitment without knowledge. Though
what he has heard and seen may have aroused serious interest, he should not be
expected to commit beyond what he can in good conscience do. An opportunity to
gain more first hand knowledge may be needed. Be fair and reasonable, concerned
for the young man's best as well as your daughter's. Don't create obstacles that
serve no good purpose. Treat him even as you would wish another man to treat
your son in similar circumstances. Part of your role is to advise him and to
help him get to know your daughter so he can make a wise and informed decision.
Don't damage your relationship with a likely son-in-law!
DIVINE GUIDANCE
Don't leave God out of the picture. Pray for wisdom
and for guidance. Seek His confirmation of decisions and directions. Don't
proceed far without conviction that God is in this and is leading.
Practical Principles
Preparedness
This is the principle of
not beginning a courtship until reasonably prepared for marriage (by parents'
estimation). It also implies refraining from recreational dating or any romantic
involvement prior to the time for marriage. Does this mean perfect preparedness?
Of course not! When are we ever perfectly prepared? A few final preparations may
be best left until the period of engagement just prior to marriage. The issue is
one of substantial and adequate preparation. Inadequate preparation may not
spell disaster, but can create hardships for the new marriage that would be
better avoided. The point is not to begin a courtship until the proper time -
when the relationship can proceed fairly rapidly towards marriage without
unreasonable delays and without entering marriage woefully
unprepared.
Parental
Guidance
Parents should assume their God given
responsibility to assist their children in wise marriage choices. This may
sometimes include suggesting suitable candidates for marriage. It may include
turning away some suitors and ruling out others as not being good choices. It
should include much advice to assist in making a wise choice, not one based
primarily on emotion. Children should respect the wisdom of their parents,
listen to their advice and not consider those not approved by their parents. In
instances where there is no parent able or willing to perform this role, another
trusted relative, pastor or Christian mentor might help.
Protection
Parents should
reasonably protect their sons and daughters from temptations and dangers
(including infatuation). This might include not allowing young men free and easy
access to your daughter without your prior approval. Parents might also
establish guidelines for the courtship, in consultation with the young couple,
in order to reduce the risks both of temptation and early emotional attachment.
Parents may plan a number of family activities where the young couple can
comfortably interact with parental supervision. Parents (and sometimes siblings)
also assist with assessing character, beliefs, convictions, goals and life
direction, compatibility of temperaments, etc. Parents and siblings may discern
possible problems that may be easily overlooked by the young man or woman.
Again, others can help with protection if there is no parent to do
so.
Decision
Lastly there needs to be a
firm decision to marry by the young couple, without pressure from parents, but
having already received parental blessing to marry if they choose.
In Conclusion
Let’s not become absorbed with either
creating or following a myriad of rules for courtship. We would all be better
served by focusing on a few key principles, while remaining flexible to the
situation and seeking the Lord’s leading and wisdom. Suggestions and examples of
other courtships can be very helpful, as long as we use them properly. We must
not try to force every courtship into one narrow mold. Extend some grace to your
brethren in Christ. You may not see the wisdom in some of the courtship
decisions of others, but don’t be quick to criticize or find
fault.
Volume 2 Issue 3: May / June 2002, © Unless The
Lord ... Magazine
